What have I got myself into?

(9th Dec 2011)
I really don’t know why I was lead into this dark valley? I know in my deepest heart that this is a spiritual attack, a tremendous spiritual attack. It seems like I’ve been getting so many obstacles since I made my decision to lead the Christmas combined choir. I have people saying to me that it’s impossible to do, that we don’t have the skill nor time to become a good choir, it’s gonna be a train wreck, and so on. Some said that once I jumped into this, more and more requests will come my way and they won’t stop until I burnt out. I mean, what is it that people afraid of? I honestly don’t understand. I’m trying to do a good thing here but why am I being attacked, being scared off to not do this thing?

And who ever said I don’t have these thoughts myself? All I need is encouragement that everything is going to be okay. Encouragement and support. And what did I get? These comments that weighted me down. I feel like I’m drowning and my foot is tied with this bag of gold and I keep trying to swim to surface but it’s just so hard.

It was really eerie last night as I sat down in front of my TV. I felt I was back in the same spot as I was 5 years ago. The only difference is I have Baron sleeping on my lap :-). Random thoughts started flashing in my mind and these questions popped up in my mind. Questions of, ‘Why?’, ‘What?’, and how am I going to go through all this by myself.

Last night was in fact the first time in 5 years that I felt so alone and so small on earth. Thank God for a friend of mine who lent me this awesome book, Captivating, by John and Staci Eldredge. NOW I know that this is another spiritual attack and not something that is my fault. So, my situation last night was slightly different than what I experienced 5 years ago. Instead of blaming myself and crawled into a dark corner, I actually stop and try to converse with God and asked for direction (and ask Him to save me). And I believed that He answered me, in a strange way I have to say, I had so many questions and I didn’t know what to do, and then I saw ads on TV, the news headline, conversations in movies, that kinda resembled answers or guidance.

And then I remembered a radio talk I heard that very same morning about why people do bad things to other people. The voice on the radio said, most people who do bad things to others don’t really realise that they did a bad thing or say a bad thing or the effect of what they did. Although it’s hard to imagine how someone could do that to you. Remember that, it’s almost certain that they do it with no purpose, that it was just accidental.

So I thought, this is Christmas after all, a very happy but yet stressful time for most of us. Pressure to be on top of things at work, with family and friends, responsibility to church, giving ourselves a break and so on. So, I decided to take a step back and take all of these into consideration. I think it’s best for me to not be affected by non constructive comments and push on to finish what I have started. People may say what they say out of the blue without giving a second thought, and I shouldn't overthink it.

The battle is not yet won, but the fight continues on and I promise that I will be on top of every challenge that will come my way.

So, bring it on non constructive comments!
I dare you!
I dare you to break my spirit!